


The Earth is Fucked, How About Hell?

by pinky_toe



Category: South Park
Genre: Afterlife, Character Death, Hell, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21756313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinky_toe/pseuds/pinky_toe
Summary: A sweet story because the idea I came up with was cute. Hope you enjoy!
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	The Earth is Fucked, How About Hell?

When Kenny is alive, he is alone. At 93, he is the only member of his elementary class that is still alive. The first to go was Scott Malkinson, dying at the age of 42 from a problem with his diabetes, then Annie Knitts died from breast cancer at 44, and so on and so forth. 

His two best friends Stan and Kyle Broflovski-Marsh, both died together quite romantically at 72, on their 50th anniversary cruise, after the cruise hit an unexpectedly large rock, and went down. Kenny remembers how heartfelt the eulogy was, delivered by their son Brian, a young man who’s wife had just had their second child. 

Kenny doesn’t have children, knowing that if he had a partner, he would live well after they had died. Besides, what if his offspring was born with the same curse he had? Kenny couldn’t risk that. 

So, that’s why, on his 2,363,937th deathbed, he is alone. No spouse, no children and no friends. God, he can’t wait to die. 

Now, he understands if that sounds shocking and grim, but in Hell (which is actually quite a nice place to live in), he has all his friends. He can tell them about how their children are doing, how South Park is doing, and just generally how he’s doing.

So, when his life flashes before his eyes for the 2,363,937th time, he is excited. His eyes close, and his old, frail body exhales his 2,363,937th final breath. 

~~~

Kenny opens his eyes to a crowd of confused and terrified people. A man wearing a simple dress shirt and jeans walks up to a podium and starts to explain to the crowd that they are dead, that this is Hell, and that they don’t have to worry. 

Kenny breathes in the humid Hell air, and looks down at his body. As is protocol, his soul is put in his 25 year old body, just like everyone else that lived to that age. He takes a second to admire his young physique, sick and tired of that old saggy body that he has on Earth, before making his leave, ignoring the introduction to Hell that he has already heard a million times before. 

As Kenny walks, he passes bars and shops, just like a normal town or city. Kenny could do this walk blindfolded, having done this walk ever since his best friends died. 

He approaches a seemingly suburban neighbourhood, with cozy cottages and white picket fences. After finding the correct street, Kenny walks down the street, stopping as he faces a certain house. Smiling at the mailbox with ‘Broflovski-Marsh’ written on it, Kenny walks up the steps and rings the doorbell.

He hears the faint sound of the doorbell chime and footsteps from inside the house before a 25 year old looking Stan Broflovski-Marsh opens the door with a wide smile. 

“Kenny! Dude, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”

“Eh, I’ve been good. Earth isn’t as good without you guys on it. How are you and Kyle going?”

Stan’s smile somehow got wider at the mention of his husband, blue eyes sparkling with fondness and joy.

“Oh, we’ve been great! Yesterday we went on a date at that new bowling ally place that popped up across Hell, and it was so fun just to hang out with him again like we were kids.”

“How sweet of you, and who says love fades.”

Stan just grinned, and moved out of the doorway, letting Kenny walk into the simple two storey house.

Kenny walked into the living room, seeing Kyle sitting on the couch watching basketball on the TV. Kyle looked up and saw Kenny, giving him a grin and a small wave.

“Hey dude, nice to see you again,” said Kyle, as Stan sat on the couch next to him, wrapping his arm around his waist. “What brings you to Hell this time?”

“Hey,” said Kenny, as he sat down on the couch. “Skin cancer, I somehow developed it, got incredibly sick by it, and then died by it in the matter of days that it was since I saw you last.”

“Damn dude, that sounds like shit.” said Kyle, looking concerned.

“Yeah, but I’ve had skin cancer at least 500 times over the years. You get used to it.” said Kenny, shrugging.

“We are still so sorry that we couldn’t remember that you died back on Earth. At least we can remember now, after dying ourselves.” said Kyle, with Stan nodding his head in agreement. 

“Eh, it’s alright, I get it.”

“But are you sure that it’s alright? We just don’t wan-.”

“Kyle. Don’t worry, I forgave you ages ago, my immortality angst peaked at age 10, trust me.”

“Kenny’s our best friend dude, why would he still hang out with us, even after death, if he hated us?” said Stan.

“I-, you’re right. As always.” said Kyle, a fond smile on his lips. 

Stan leaned in and lightly kissed his husband, a fond smile of his own on his lips. 

“Ahem,” Kenny fake coughed, bringing the couple’s attention back onto him. “Not to burst your little love bubble, but I found out some fun new information about Brian for you guys, and I thought you would want to hear.”

Stan and Kyle’s fond smiles became sad smiles at the mention of their son. Kenny knows that they are deeply saddened at the fact that they would have to wait until their son died to see him again. This is why Kenny told them any new news about Brian that he could get, and transfer it to them. 

“Turns out, Brian’s third child, Emily, calls everything she sees ‘duck’, and it’s amazingly cute.”

“Maybe she’s going to take after her animal loving grandpa; Stan.” said Kyle, elbowing his husband with a playful smile. 

“Hmmm, maybe. Or, she could take after her fact loving grandpa; Kyle.” said Stan, elbowing Kyle back, a similar smile on his face.

Kenny was just about to make a comment, when he felt his soul start to slip. He quickly interrupted the couple, telling them that he had to go, and that he’ll come back again when he dies again. 

After a quick hug from his friends, Kenny said farewell and started to feel groggy, collapsing on his friend’s couch, closing his eyes.

~~~

Kenny opened his eyes, only to find himself in his 93 year old body, in his bed at his small town apartment.

After forcing himself out of bed, Kenny walked to his small balcony, and looked out, seeing the sunrise over his hometown.

A small smile formed on his face, as much as he preferred Hell, Earth was still beautiful.


End file.
